They think its going better, but I’m just getting better at hiding it…

For a while, I guess I even managed to make myself believe that I’m getting better and that things are going forward.

My mood is fairly ok, but I’ve purged a lot of times now after I’ve been on leave for the weekends and with my mom.
I have also, as previously mentioned, managed to sneak in razor blades, AGAIN.

And, for the intense fear of being sent back down again, I’ve just gotten better at hiding it. Or, hiding it in the first place.
I’ve always used to hide it throughout my life, but figured that if I don’t now, I’ll just get stripped of my privileges and sent down to that horrible place downstairs again.

Even just the thought of that place, is making it harder for me to recover.
How am I suppose to get better, if I again have to turn to hiding it and keeping it to myself, because if I don’t, I’ll be punished? It happens eventually no matter what, but at least if I hide it, I’ll be able to continue being here upstairs, and I’ll be able to have lunch at my appartement, and see my mom and sister in the weekend…
If I lose those privileges, I just get even more depressed and suicidal again, but the thought of me just pretending to getting better to temporary feel better makes me more suicidal as well.

I just don’t know what to do. Why am I so indecisive?

I’ve lost a lot of blood now, cutting up my whole legs 3 days in a row, bleeding a lot in the shower with running water.

I stopped writing here yesterday because my nurse came in…
And, I was honest with her and opened up about what I’ve done.

She said she’d make it less dramatic because of the reason I didn’t want to tell about it was because I didn’t want my privileges being taken from me, and also I didn’t want to be sent back down again.

I have treatment meeting in 40 min now. Guess I’ll get to know then if I’m still allowed to eat lunch at my place, if I’m allowed to go for walks on my own, or be home in the weekend. Heck, maybe even sleepover leave at my place will be postponed even more because of this shit…

If they take away my privileges again now, idek if I wan’t to eat my fucking lunch or whatever anymore. It’s really tempting to just enter another strict fast. Last time lasted 9 days.

I feel like I have to choose one over the other. Being temporary more content with my situation, but tricking myself and people around me to think its going better than it is, to then be sent home too early and then it all goes to hell, or be honest, and being sent down or ripped of my privileges and again get another depression episode and having to work myself up from the start again, then to become even better at hiding it, less honest and eventually end up in the first mess again, or I’ll simply give up because it doesn’t go forward at all.

Well, I don’t even know anymore. I’m tired.

I’ve grown to care about the people who work here, but damn… Its been 4 months, and I’m starting to get tired. I just want to be able to go home and have my life back…

The Complaint

So, I was going to translate the complaint I wrote to the closed section to English. So, here goes. This is long.

16th – 17th of May 2019:
I wanted to kill myself. (this is a year ago so my memory is blurry)

Did not get food.

I complained about back pains, because I have scoliosis, did not get a better mattress even though I know they have them. Did not get painkillers, even though I begged for it, almost crying.
Barely got out of bed in the morning. Nobody cared about my needs or pains.

Before I was written out, the doctor asks me why I was admitted. I answer with saying that I wanted to kill myself. His answer: “That’s a bit drastically”
I feel like I’m not being taken seriously, that he thinks I sound dramatic.
At the same time, he knows nothing of what I struggle with, what I’ve gone through and what I feel.

First time I was sent down from the open section: 15th- 16th of April 2020
Was about to hang myself before my nurse walked in on me.

My contact person/ nurse sits down in the door, holding it open and stares at me while I wait for the doctor.
I confront her and asks if she’d rather sit inside the room with me, because I feel uncomfortable when the door is open and all the other patients can look right in at me.
She reacts by fikling with the chair, to then go ask another nurse behind the wall, mind you, as loudly as I can clearly hear her say: “she wants me to sit with her in her room. Do I have to do that?” The other nurse answers: “No, you dont need to do that. You can just sit there in the door.”
She sits back down in the chair in the door without saying anything to me.

The doctor puts me on a “medication package” which I dont know anything about what it is. He doesn’t ask if it’s ok, he barely explains what it is. When I ask what I’ve gotten before swallowing, the nurse answers sarcastically Wellbutrin and something I don’t remember the name of. Then proceeds to say, again, in a sarcastic tone: “if you don’t agree, you can bring it up with the doctor tomorrow”

They confiscate my pen, and my journal which I use to write down my thoughts and feelings. I almost have to fight with them to at last be allowed to keep my apple pen so I can at least do some drawing when I’m down there.

They say: “If you’re hungry, you have to come out and ask for food.” I answer, saying I have Bulimia, and problems with food and asking for it, and the fact that I have a meal-plan.
I try to communicate that I’m not able to ask for food. She answers with: “Yeah well, that’s not our field of specialty, we’re only suppose to keep you alive, but now you know that if you’re hungry, you can come out and ask for food”
I don’t feel like I’m being cared about at all. My feelings, my needs are not being followed. They show no empathy or competence. I feel again, like a burden on the world.

The only thing I consumed that day was the nutrition drink that they sent with me from upstairs, and supper when I get a much nicer contact/ nurse later that evening. (name cencored)
Thanks for treating me as a fellow human being.

The doctor asks me if I want to go back up to the open section, or if I want to go home. I choose going upstairs again, because I know going home at this point would be a really bad idea.

Second time I was send down from the open section: 10th – 11th of May
Bad self harm incident.

This time, I begged the doctor to not send me down again, since I’ve already had enough bad experiences downstairs, and I’m trying to communicate that sending me down would only make bad worse, because nobody downstairs cares.
The doctor still sends me down against my will.

I manage to sneak with me a piece of glass from the vase that I broke upstairs to self harm with, and a string from my hoodie, where I’d made a hanging knot, in my shorts under my pants.

I have had enough, and I’ve decided that if I again got the choice of going home, or back up, I would chose going home again, to then spend the last 24 hrs with my little sister, to then eat and purge til I physically can’t no more, to then slit my wrists.
The glass piece and the string was just in case I couldn’t wait til I got home.

When I get down, I am as you can imagine very frustrated, and irritated, and devastated because, obviously I didn’t want to.
I’m met with a nice lady called (cencored name). She talks to me like a fellow human being, I feel like I’m being heard and understood.
(Cencored name, male nurse who works partially upstairs and partially downstairs) that I know from before, helped me with carrying down the mattress and my supper.
Me and (the nurse) eats supper, and our conversation helps me get my thoughts on better things, and my mood improves a bit.

Later, changing of the guard(?)
I get a new contact, who proceeds to sit down in my door, holding it open.

I lay with my head against the corner. That isn’t good enough, because she says she has to “see my face” at all times.
When I express that I would prefer to lay that way, because I’ll struggle to sleep being stared directly at all night, she proceeds to move and stand right beside me, OVER me, for a long time.

After a while I ask: “If you have to see my face all the time, why can’t you just go sit in the other chair over there inside my room? I would feel much more comfortable if you sat there rather than hanging over me.”
She sarcastically answers: “Nahh, I’m good standing here”
I again try to convince her to sit down in the chair, because I feel uncomfortable, and stepped on.
She answers again with sarcasm in her voice: “I’ve been sitting down so much today, I think I’ll just continue standing here”

I have trauma from authority figures from childhood, and I have a pretty low threshold to be treated as if I’m less worth. I confront her:
“Why do you talk to me that way? Why do you act this way towards me? I am a human being too, I’m not an animal.”

Instead of taking it to her, and apologize, she turns it around and back on me, to make it sound like there’s me there is something wrong with.

“I apologize that YOU perceives me that way” “Its not intended that YOU should think this way of me”
I feel stepped on, I feel tempered with, I feel disrespected, I feel pushed down against the mud, as if I didn’t already feel that way to begin with.

Change of guard again. This time, a middle-aged man sits down in my door. At this point in time, my mood is already so crappy again. I already from before feel like I’m unwanted in this world, that I’m a burden, a heavy load, that I am sick and tired of struggling with unipolar depression, and bulimia especially, as well as a bunch of other crap.
I have also just got all of this confirmed time after time by the people who was meant to care about me, support me, keep me safe, that my beliefs are true.
This is misuse of power. But wait, it gets better.

At this point in time, I’m so depressed again, that I can’t take it anymore.
I send an sms to my younger sister(14), who’s the most important person in my life. I tell her how much I love her, how beautiful she is, and how lucky everyone who knows her is to have her in their lives.
Then I asks to go to the toilet on my own, to get ready for bed and change to PJ’s on my own. He agrees.

The piece of glass isn’t sharp enough. I get frustrated, angry, stressed out. I try to cut many times, but it never gets deep enough to hit the vein.
Its been a while now, and the night guard/ nurse comes inn because I spent too much time in there.

He reacts with anger, says with strong irritation in his voice: “You have misused my trust. Now you’re not allowed to piss, shit or shower without me having to stare at you. Is that what you want?”
“What have you cut yourself with? Your nails?”

I get stressed over the fact that he’ll discover and confiscate the gladd piece I have, and having tunnel vision/ dissociating I tried one last time to slice my wrist.

He reacts with grabbing both my arms, hold me tight til I let go of the glass and sit down in the bed.
I understand why he did this.

But, I have at later point in time heard from my main nurse upstairs that when force is being used, they’re obligated to give me some sort of written report about it afterwards. This I have neither received or gotten any knowlage about downstairs.

I’m at this point crying, I’m angry, and upset. The night nurse is also angry at me. I ask him why he’s angry at me. He answers with “is it strange that I react with anger?” (yes, it kind of is because you’re very unprofessional in your field of work)

I’m trying to communicate that it was a genuine attempt to end my life. The nurse just brushes it under the carpet and says: “Nah, this was just a call for help”
Thank you. Now I feel like an attention seeker wannabe idiot. That my attempt wasn’t good enough because I’m still alive. That nobody will ever care about me or take me serious as long as I’m still alive. Now I just want to write myself out even more, get my ass home, and finish the job once and for all. I feel fucking awful and nauseous.

I have to turn my head out in the room. I’m not allowed to sleep facing the wall, and I’m not allowed to sit in bed with my knees up because they have to quote: “see my face at all times”
They provoke with coming in again, stand/ hang over me to “see my face.”

Morning after I don’t get breakfast. They say like they did the last time: “If you’re hungry, you have to come out and ask for food” I answer again, saying that I have Bulimia, and get frustrated, and trying to inform them that I find it difficult, but that I have a meal-plan upstairs that I follow.

I’m trying to still follow my meal-plan to continue recovery crap. She seems annoyed and asks: “Ok, whats on your meal-plan then?” “Yeah 3 half slices of bread with…” She interrupts me mid sentence: “Oh, that’s a lot”
I get dumbfounded. I have a fucking eating disorder, and you proceeds to say that? Me: “excuse me..?” She says I should continue. I tell her what’s on my meal-plan. She gives off the impression that I’m demanding a lot.

Again, I feel like a fat pig that doesn’t deserve, and should never have asked for food to begin with.
She spends quite a good time to prepare the breakfast for me. She comes in with the meal at the same time my next meal should have been.

I don’t receive my first or second snack that day, and I don’t get my lunch either. Not even an option.

I’m barely able to take a few bites of my late breakfast because of the lump in my stomach after hearing that she thought it was a lot. Thank you so much. You really know where to rub the salt in the wound to really make it sting, and at the same time, be untouchable because you’re too vague. Fuck you.

Before I get sent back up, I get to talk to the doctor. He too isn’t very polite or nice. He says I was sent down because: “you self harmed and the doctor said it was a bloodbath and the worst incident he’d seen.” (It wasn’t my worst. And I wasn’t send down the last time…)

He then provokes with saying that I also “scratched my wrist” last night.
He too, again, stomping all over me. It was a legit suicide attempt, but he too managed to make me feel totally awful for not having done “better.”

Afterwards, he continues by saying that “I hope you figure out what you want to do with your life forward” As if I fucking chose to be born with Asperger, as if I chose to get chronic depression, social anxiety and fucking Bulimia and what more. I should be ashamed. I don’t belong here, I don’t deserve the help. I’m just a piece of garbage that they sadly has to deal with to get payed.

I also get the feeling that he means I should just “choose to suddenly be all better again without any problem”. So I don’t have to be sent back down again. I’m actually working on it, I’ve been here for 4 months, and this is actually a lot of hard work and it takes time. Its tiresome and my mood is swingy. I can’t just “choose” to not struggle anymore, just like a cancer patience cant “choose” not to have cancer anymore just because its an inconvenience to you.

Why is it like this? When a person is at their absolute lowest in life. They feel like nobody cares about them, nobody loves them, that they’re a burden and a heavy load on everyone, that all they do is wrong, and they just want to die to not have to deal with it anymore. And maybe, maybe this is their last attempt to simply just get help, be heard, and maybe get a life back.

But instead, we’re met with power misusing people, who just confirms all of your beliefs and self doubts and self hate.

And people are wondering why, statistically speaking, there’s 3 times as much suicide attempts during hospitalization than before, which is second highest.

There are ofc nice people downstairs at the closed as well, but why do I get the feeling that at least half of the workers there are just awful people misusing their authority? Why is it that always the worst people end up on places like elementary school, prison, and on closed psychiatric hospital? Well, its simply because then they’re an authority figure, and they can do and say what they want to other people. Its easy to pick on young kids, inmates in prisons, and people with acute psychiatric needs, because people like us aren’t heard, aren’t seen, not taken seriously, in many cases, not able to speak up for ourselves even.

I also want to point out that the 4 months I’ve been upstairs have been completely different. I like EVERYBODY that works upstairs. I feel like they ACTUALLY cares about me. And that actually helps. It does go forward, slowly, but its so devastating that when I need tighter watch because of suicide/ self harm risk, I get sent to a horrible place that just makes my mood 100 times worse than I thought was possible. And again I have to start from scratch and work myself up again.

I could probably have “moved on” and tried not to be sent down there again. I don’t really want that in the first place to be honest anyways. But, I feel like this is so bad that I absolutely should send in a complaint about it. Not only for my own sake, and the wish for justice, but also with thoughts about the other patients that sadly also have been/ has to go there during their life and gets treated the same way.


WHY??? Fuck those razors, fuck those urges, fuck those dissociation’s.

I KNEW I wouldn’t be able to have razors nearby without using them, and stupid me used them already today in the shower. What a fucking moron.

I’m so thankful now that I don’t have weighing anymore on Mondays, or I’d be fucking busted for sure. But damn is it hard to stop when you first begin. Just a pool of blood. No way I’d b able to cover it up if I wasn’t in the shower.

And wouldn’t you guess my nurse walking in when I’m trying to hide away the fucking razor again. Me having closed the closet door, and fucking lay a bloody towel on the floor that she almost saw if it wasn’t for the closed door in front of my room door, and me yelling “I’m naked” before she walks in?

I don’t know whats worse tbh. That I AGAIN snuck in something sharp to self harm with. That I self harmed THIS soon, or the fact that I can’t even be honest about it. If I tell them what happened, then there’s no way in hell they’ll let me have leave tomorrow. I’ve just been granted 2 hrs of leave on my own, and I might even be permitted to be home alone for a couple of hours as well, since my mom and sister wanted to go shop for clothes, and I can’t come because of hospital rules and corona, and I don’t really wanna ruin their day either…

I really want to get leave this weekend, and I rly want to be able to be alone as well… Why do I always fucking ruin shit for myself. I have to lie now, even though it’s just fucking up my recovery.

I can’t lose my privileges. And there’s no way in HELL I’ll be sent back down to the closed again. FUCK ME. FUCK THEM. UGH.

My nurse just came in, in the middle of this writing lol. I’m so fucking close to get alone leave tomorrow. I can’t fuck this up now. Gt be a good actress. Gah.

Yeah, about that closed section, I was going to translate the complaint as well. Maybe I’ll see to do that as well soon/ this evening. It’s pretty long but yeah.

I’m going to regret this… And home leave alone for the first time.

So, today I got 2,5 hrs home alone for the first time. I haven’t been home alone for like 4 months now. It feels great.

We went here for lunch, and I’ll be here til 15 o’clock before my mom and sister joins up to make and eat dinner, and watch a movie. I also figured a way to watch live Norwegian TV via the internet on my smart TV even though its plumbed or whatever.

I also went to the store on my own, bought some chocolate truffles, and I actually ate one, and I managed not to take more/ binged or purged it so far. Feels great.

Then comes the bad news…
I know it has to go well for me to eventually get sleepover leave with my sister, and being able to be home alone more. But, I still halfway impulsively bought razor. Fucking again. I know I think now that its good to have just in case I need it. I also know it’ll probably lay screaming for me in my closet or whatever til I use it. And then probably get sent down to closed again, and another restriction on going home alone… So… I know I’m fucking dumb.

I rly feel like I want it “just in case” but damn do I trick myself every time…
Idk if I can continue having it “just in case” or if I’ll end up using it. I rly don’t want to use it, because I really want home leave and sleepover at home and see my sister and mother. Just crossing fingers, because I’m tempted af as well.

I feel so split.

My psychologist is going to talk to my mom and I soon as well it seems. About attachement issues.
Don’t get me wrong, my mom loves my sister and I dearly, and she always prioritize us before herself. But she isn’t always emotionally available as a support. And has never been since I was little. Sometimes she’s supportive, but other times she goes right into defensive mode, which is understandable thinking of what she struggles with and what she’s gone through. But still, kinda rubbing salt into the wound and making it kind of “unsafe” to turn to her for comfort, which I actually kind of need.

My psychologist explained that when I as a child, was angry, or upset, my parents just told me to calm down and go to my room or whatever, instead of comforting me and make me feel valid. Which is actually true and makes sense, but I haven’t rly wanted to admit it because my parents do love us dearly, and do the best they can to their abilities and personalities. But, it makes sense that that may be one of the reasons I’ve struggled with self harm in the form of cutting etc since I was 10. Because I never learned how to let out my emotions in a normal matter, I just keep it to myself and let it build up and don’t know how to let it out in a normal way without being self destructive…

That, and the fact I had an emotionally available grandmother, who was a manipulative narcissist and it was all a fasade, and a lot of bullying from teachers and student. Makes sense why I have so huge attachement issues. I crave more than anything to be loved and embraced, but it also scares me. I push people I love/ care about, especially new people away. I’m scared to be loved and cared about.

And it makes sense why I always gets so agitated, restless, confused, uneasy, and why I dissociate, and turn to self harm when my emotions gets too much to handle…

I’ve written a complaint

So, I’ve written a complaint to the A-section (acute closed section)
It is pretty harsh tbh, but I’m also crediting the nurses who made my stay a bit less miserable. As well as raining heavy on those who made it miserable in the first place.
I really hope they get some consequences, or at the very least they improve. It’s sickening how they misuse their power down there. When people’s at their lowest, and all they want is to kill themselves. They feel like they’re a burden on the world, that they’re unwanted, list continues, and down there, it is all confirmed. No wonder suicide rate statistically is 3 times higher while in hospital than before being admitted, which is the second highest rating. Its really sickening.

Why is it that the worst people, people who wants to misuse their powers always end up at elementary schools, as correctional officers and at closed acute psychiatric hospitals? Well, the answer is simple, some people, or young kids aren’t heard. They often don’t complain about being mistreated, heck, they don’t even always understand that they are being mistreated in the first place, or the situation is just too tabu to talk about.

Maybe I should post the complaint here as well just to show in details what happened? I would have to translate it from Norwegian to English though, and it’s pretty long, but not impossible.

Anyways, changing topics. I’ll be going back to my appartement again today. Always a good encouragement.
I’ll also be meeting the Environmental Therapeutic team for the first time today as well when I’m there. They’ll take over for when I get home from hospital. With daily checkups, practical things like cleaning and grocery shopping, as well as just checking if all’s ok and I’m not dying or whatever lol.

I’m really looking forward to being able to go home again. I’ve been in hospital for like 4 months now. It’s a lot longer than estimated. Just getting sleepover leave, hopefully sometime soon would be great. My sister and I has planned to have Lord of the rings maraton when I get sleepover leave at my place. I really miss my sister, and I’m actually kind of looking forward to trying to follow the meal-plan on my own as well. I feel like maybe I’m finally starting to get the hang of things, and damn, I know I’ve mentioned it a hundred times already, but I’m also really hyped for investing in an E-bike.
Can you imagine? Me bicycling around town with my cockatiel in a bird backpack? That would be so hilarious, and kinda cool as well HAHA.
Original to say the least. Maybe I’d be locally famous for it LMAO.

But, to be honest, I’ll miss the people who works here at the hospital too. At the open section ofc, where I’ve spent most of my time that is. I feel like I’ve become good friends with most here. It’s gonna be sad saying goodbye after living with them for idek, a half year maybe? (I’m not going home anytime soon, its a slow progress) And not being able to add them to Facebook even, because of some kind of law…

2 days ago one of my main nurses in my team had her birthday as well. I know she liked salty liquorish, and I’d just been granted up to an hour leave on my own as well that day, so I managed to hurry off to the store to buy her some salty liquorish snacks and a chocolate before her shift was over.
Ofc I was also tempted af to buy razor-blades as well, but I actually managed to withstand the temptations and only buy the snacks for her. So, yeah, another small achievement!

Hopefully it’ll play a part in me getting sleepover leave soon. I was really hoping for it to be this weekend, but they don’t think I’m “stable enough” to have sleepover leave alone in my appartement with my underage sister yet…. Though, I can’t in a million years imagine me doing anything impulsive while she’s there…

Maybe if Friday with a couple hours on my own goes well, maybe they’ll re-consider, but I doubt it. It probably wont happen before next weekend at the earliest.

Making progress

I feel like things are finally starting to get better. At least the last week or so has been pretty good actually!

On Whednesday I ate the whole plate with dinner for the first time, without purging in I don’t even know how long! And I did it both on Thursday and Friday as well.

I was so scared because I thought I would just totally panic afterwards and do something impulsive, like kms or something. But, that didn’t happen!

I do feel actually pretty good about it too! Ofc, the ed voice is still there trying to drag me down, make me doubt, make me feel ashamed, regrettful and so on, but I’m rly trying to focus on the healthy thoughts now. And think about getting sleepover leave at home, with my sister hopefully in the nearest future.

We’ve done some changes to my mealplan. I swapped the nutrition drink out with another rice dessert/ yogurt. And we dropped the last snack at 21 o’clock. And we also added a half slice of bread to the lunsh.

I’m now also allowed to go out for up to an hour alone again. For walks etc. Feels great.

Last weekend I had leave with my mom and my sister as well. Haven’t seen them in over 2 months because of the corona stuff, and the fact that I have been kinda “unsrable” lately.

I had my dinner at home in my appartement with my mom and sis. It was nice. On Saturday we made wraps, with glutenfree tortillas, which btw was extremely unpractical because apparently, glutenfree tortillas just falls apart/ break if u roll or bend them. They also had kind of like a floury texture. The taste wasn’t bad though. It was pretty ok tbh, I don’t mind it. But, that might also be because I’ve eaten next to nothing for about a year, and almlst all food tastes good.

Still, the wraps was good in my opinion, but messy. We also warched some Sodapoppin gta V rp videos, hillarious, and the no neck Ed and Rosemarie drama.

I also got day leave on Sunday because saturday went so well, so on sunday, we bought some finished/ instant pizza bottoms, gluten free ofc, and made one personalized pizza each. It was so fucking good. Small pizzas that is but still, I actually managed to eat the whole portion.

I did struggle with the supper afterwards though. But, thats expected I guess.

I’m trying to use sleepover leave as a motivation. My sister and my mom. Movie and taco nights, and the E-Bike I eventually want to buy. Try to think about that and not the weight.

I actually managed to enjoy the food as well. I feel like my inner food lover is maybe starting to wakeup again. I even ate 2 slices of cheese and a small piece of ham as well. And I didn’t purge!

My nurse had her B-day today as well. I’m not gonna out her whole name but I’ll call her N. One of my favorites, and she’s been in my team since I came here. She likes salty liqurish, so, since I just got leave now, I managed to go out to the store and buy her some liqurishe and chocolatte before she left.

I think I’ll take a longer walk after dinner today. Bought myself some earbudds on Saturday. As well as a food weight, some smaller glasses and some glass holders for different foods etc at home.

I think the food weight would be helpful for when I get home, to know that I don’t eat too much, but also that I get enough of what I need.

I’m kinda rly starting to look forward to going home now. I’m also going to meet a guy I’ve been talking to for 4-5 months now. He’s been waiting patiently for me for so long. I’m kinda scared but also hyped. I hope it all goes well and we have good chemistry irl. Maybe I could get someone to spend my life with? That’s like the one thing I feel like I lack, and really miss in life. He’s really nice, and caring, and enthusiastic. Crossing fingers that it’ll work out 😁

I’m the talk of the clinic.

So, I’m finally back up at the open section. And, seems I’m the current talk of the day… The doctor had said that it was a “blood bath” and “the worst incident of self harm he’d seen yet” Honestly, yeah, there were a lot of blood drops, but bloodbath? Nope. It was a lot worse the time before, there was actually a pool of blood then, as well as a soaked towel. It was a lot worse.
What I did with the flower pot was nothing in comparison with the kitchen knife. I don’t get why I was sent down now and not the last time…

My mood honestly got so much worse when I was for the second time forcefully moved down for the second time, and being stared at 24/hrs a day, even while going to the fucking toilet after my suicide attempt.

The guy who came in when I went to the toilet as well forcefully held me down as well, when he came in…

I’d even sent a goodbye message to my sister. It wasn’t clear what I was going to do, just me telling her how much I love her and what a beautiful person she is… If only she knew that that was suppose to be my last msg to her… I feel totally shit now. I just want to see her, I miss her so much. Just want to hug her again… Siblings are the greatest blessing in life. My sister is the best gift I’ve ever gotten in my life. The most important person in my life.

I feel rly depressed and agitated that I didn’t try harder to kms, that I’m still here… But, on the other hand, I’m kind of glad because I don’t want to break my sister, and moms, and the rest of my family’s hearts.

I just feel so restless, so agitated, depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself, where to be or how to handle anything… I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything would magically be fixed… But that’s not how the world works.

I came back up here. I’d kind of planned if I got the choice of going home or back up, I’d go back home and spend my last day with my sister to then binge and purge til I can’t no more and slit my wrist. But, I guess I’d already spit that out, out of frustration to multiple people, so I didn’t get that question.

My ECT treatment is constantly under consideration. It works for stable depression, but mines do up and down they don’t know if it will even work for me. As well as me having too many wounds and cuts and can’t even start cuz they have no place to put the needle, as well as infection risk…

My doctor also said today that my nurse aren’t suppose to “eat with me”. So now, without me even being able to discuss it, now I have to be the only one eating, which makes it all A LOT worse. Every fucking meal just makes me want to kill myself or self harm. I really don’t want to be the only one eating. I feel like a pig being fed for slaughter. Its unbearable.

Maybe I’ll just write myself out anyways.
Whats the point if I can’t even eat in here anymore…

Multiple nurses also came in and asked me about what happened etc when I came back up. So, I guess I’m the new topic of the house…